straight up, what did you hope to learn about here?

matchbox twenty was, as expected, quite disappointing. it's just one of those things in life you know that won't ever live up to your impression of it, but you want to hope nonetheless. they played their songs, and it was nice, but not great. it did fulfill its purpose though: the nostalgic value of it was quite satisfying.

i suppose it harkens back to simpler times. i realized tonight how much i had grown up over the past few years. and on the way home, just the thought of where i am now relative to back when matchbox twenty was getting serious airplay is both heartening and scary. it's heartening because i've become so much more independent. i have become much more competent at simply living life. and i'm so relieved by that.

yet it is scary because i'm still so prone to the kind of crippling self-doubt that plagued me back then. i'm still equally indecisive and i'm still so bad at dealing with my own emotions. but now that all the problems have become more complex and the situations more complicated, i feel so scared that i am unable to handle them.

and clearly i'm unable. still i seek the self-destructive path. what could be worth this much anguish? as a species, maybe we put too much value in hope. or perhaps somehow, i see more in this than i want to think about.