you looked around and you were not the same after that

i come home, turn on the tv, switch to comedy central and heard this quote: "the easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly." i was highly amused, and not just because it was from scrubs. i think i am beginning to look back on what had transpired, which is good because it seems at this point the ending has been written.

i chose to reply in a very noncommittal way, which i suppose is something of a compromise. i think this might be the first time i've lost a friend in a way which is difficult. almost all other times, it had come under circumstances that were forced; we were going to be separated by distance or some other obstacle anyway, and it was largely a non-decision. but i can't help but feel that this is something different. in this case, we have elected to not be friends anymore. there is a clear obstacle, no doubt, but it's something that has been self-imposed. i think that's why things feel somewhat unfamiliar.

when you lose a good friend, you start to realize all the things you might have shared with the person had things not changed. today, i discovered the prevalence of odwalla juices at both walgreens and my downstairs supermarket, saw the 2 cans of coconut juice still in my fridge, did unexpectedly well on the essay i had been whining about, failed to get an interview at the job i wanted, and wore a scarf and marveled at its protective capabilities. somehow these things all become slightly less consequential.

it's difficult to comprehend how much you are throwing away sometimes. but i suppose the point is clear. it's not even resolve right now, merely living up to expectations of myself. in replying to that email, i realize i had made the choice to throw this away at the very beginning. it just took me a long time to understand that decision.

which brings us back to the quote from scrubs. clearly this will be looked back upon as a case of wanting something too much, and i'm paying the price for that. i want to believe so much that we are both doing something we were forced to, but i doubt i'll really buy it. i think we always have a choice, and we both chose.

it's a shame really. i really thought we had a good run. too bad it had to end like this. now we can only wait to see if it was all worth it.