very soon the glory will make shameful what is true

so it is done. in a way it was easier than i thought, but in other ways it was much harder. but i suppose what happened proved how necessary it was.

i expected at least a modicum of resistance. i would like to think that i might have caught her by surprise, but that's the kind of wishful thinking that used to characterize the way i used to approach this. clearly, i have been overestimating my significance. it should have been clear. in recent date, all she's shown me is how unhappy and tired she was, and i can't help but feel now that they represented some kind of hint about who i was to her. but i suppose by doing what i did, i removed the burden, so i guess the last thing i shall ever do for her was at least beneficial.

goodness i feel stupid right now. i can't believe i was taken in by her claims all this time. all that false hope i allowed myself. argh. she doesn't care, and it took me a long time to realize that. and now all i can feel is how ridiculous i was being to think i could actually be falling for her. you need two hands to clap, and she clearly wasn't about to budge.

right now i suppose what i can't understand is how she could say the things she did to me. to say that it wasn't some fault of mine that caused her to see no hope in any kind of relationship with me. to say that it was a problem of her inability to commit to anything serious. to be afraid of losing me as a friend. i doubt any of that is actually true now. i can't believe how i actually let her have her cake and eat it too.

i refuse to be a substitute anymore. i refuse to give her anymore of what i feel. how long can i let somewhat trample all over what i'm honestly giving? i deserve to be happy too don't i? and all through this time, she has the nerve to claim she is depressed. what about me? she has me to fall back on while she was having a good time with someone else. what do i have? false hope and rejection. wait your turn to be depressed!

i guess i'm just angry right now. even though i know i probably did the right thing, i can't come to terms with it so quickly. there is so much in this city that reminds me of her, and now i have to slowly replace these impressions with something new. i need to find new company to go to the theatre with. i need to find people who can appreciate film with me. but now that i have taken that step, it is at least a possibility.

now i'm just scared to feel. in a way, i feel as if i've given so much, but i've fallen flat on my face. i told myself i can be content with just being her friend, but there's only so much i can do if all she does is jerk me around, subtly lording her power over me. that's not friendship. that's just stupidity.

tonight i go to sleep feeling the hurt that can only come with the end of affection. tomorrow i resolve to wake up feeling okay. i can afford to lose one friend, especially if that friend doesn't really want me anyways.

but at the end of the day, i feel as if i would always give her a chance to try and turn things around. fortunately, she doesn't seem at all interested in doing that. no one ever survived the end of love, says the lyrics to a song i quite enjoy. but i'm going to try my best.