is it worth it? really? it's so hard, but i suppose self-delusion frequently is. and since it's self-delusion on multiple levels, it would be difficult in an exponential way.
on one hand i'm trying to pretend that i'm alright. that these moments we spend together, increasingly awkward, are still somehow entirely enjoyable like they used to be. that i can be the same friend that i was. that it is all i want, and that i am somehow content with this. that i am not jealous, not nervous. that i am okay.
on the other hand, i'm deluding myself into thinking that somehow there is still a chance. that perhaps if i bide my time, i'll get my shot. that things might still work out the way i want them to.
and the worst part is that these twin pretenses are somehow incompatible. how do i stay friends while hoping to somehow change everything? friendship is about constancy, but that's exactly what i can't give now. the overriding affection i feel is tainted by jealousy and frustration, by panic and regret. so somehow i'm now further away from what i want than ever before. urgh.
i realize that living in a society where being in love has become such a huge ideal, it becomes so easy to forget how hard it can be. i was sitting in cobb cafe today and watched a couple holding hands under the table, and i couldn't help smiling. partly because i'm glad they seem happy, but also because i know that behind that simple gesture is likely to be a story, a story that might be fraught with difficulty. from the outside looking in, it still seems to be worth everything. but how much does it take to get there?
i want this to be done, to be over. these panic attacks have to stop, and my heart has to stop seizing up. this can't be healthy.
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