though i am a lost cause, angel won't you call me?

i've never been big on accepting the repercussions of what i say, but i suppose now that the smoke has cleared, i realize what has happened. what i must do but was unable to do seems to have been done after all. here i am already being evasive, as if being vague changes the fact that i have already been honest, and that i have put myself in a horrible position. but here i am, in a different, but i suppose not much more comfortable place.

and i suppose the thing that gets to me, is how things get done in such a roundabout way. i had to say what i didn't want to say in order to get somewhere i didn't think would result from saying those things. urgh, that was a horrific sentence. what i really mean is, it took an outpouring of emotion to get to a place that i thought was the outcome that needed me to harden my heart.

though i suppose given the situation, perhaps this outcome is the right thing to do? goodness how can i be so selfish and still want this, despite all evidence that i'm the only one who does, and being the only one out of two is pretty bad odds. why fight a battle that no one else wants to win?
at the end of the day, i'm still pretty much stuck with self-loathing. how odd that it stems from what is apparently affection.