holding out your heart to people who never really care how you are

so today i found this written in my notebook: "the problem with coffee is physics". that demands some elaboration. the specific issue is convection currents. convection currents make sure that the top of every cup of coffee is the hottest. and with your average cup, you start drinking from the top. so by the time the coffee cools down enough to drink, the bottom of the cup is already quite a bit cooler. and if you wait till the coffee is just the right temperature, you'll have to finish it immediately, since the rest of the cup is quickly become too cold. so you can't drink a cup of coffee slowly at all and still enjoy it. beer, on the other hand, benefits. the coldest part is always at the bottom of the bottle/glass.

in other news, i walked home today from ratner gym today. in near blizzard conditions. my reason was that i wanted to figure out exactly how shitty i could feel, but i suppose i just didn't want to wait for the bus. i just didn't care. i knew it would be a horrible walk and somehow it didn't register till i was on the intersection of 55th and dorcester. and then i just shrugged it off and kept walking. 55th street was not too bad. the snow was fresh and not hard to walk on. but i turned the corner at lake park and it got worse. the wind was blowing south pretty hard, and my face felt like it was bleeding, except when i touched it with my hand, it was numb. and suffice to say when i got home i seriously regretted doing it.

there was in there somewhere an analogy about life. the way i'm dealing with life now feels like walking in snow. there is something very tenuous about every step i am taking, and sometimes i find myself meandering. and just as i think things are getting easier, it gets so much more painful. of course the analogy falls apart because i don't exactly know when, or actually if, i will ever get where i want to go.

again the question is whether it is worth it at all. maybe i should just pack it in. my feelings are being callously tossed aside. i was genuinely upset today, as only lonely holidays can make me, and it seems that all i deserved was a throwaway remark. why am i being such a sucker?