there comes a point in every fight where giving up seems like the only way

winter is not conducive for anything. the cold just makes me want to stay home, but staying home is unproductive and makes me quite pensive.

i feel so silly these days. there are so many things waiting for me to do and i just wasted an hour distracting myself. no one cares at all. why can't i seem to get that into my head? the sheer worthlessness of everything i do and who i am in this situation is so hard to comprehend.

i know that that's not exactly true. perhaps what i feel is that the reaction is inadequate to the action. perhaps i'm sick of this fight against the awkwardness. i'm sick of holding back. i'm sick of feeling uncomfortable. i'm sick of feeling deceived. there is nothing worth fighting for anymore is there? it is not worth it. effort is being put into a hole which will never be filled up.

we have severely overrated what this nonsense is supposed to be. at least i have. there is a sick cycle that i'm trapped in. i have to break out.