i'm feeling like the ice cube in your glass, melting away

i find our (referring to a specific someone and myself) recent attempts to fight awkwardness quite commendable. someone else told me that it's a good sign: people only resolve to do that if they want to maintain cordial relations despite troubles, which must be a good thing. i think my only question will always be: is it worth it?

i woke up this morning with that sick feeling of wanting to throw up again, despite not drinking last night. i feel constricted, as if there's something preventing me from feeling okay. it was upsetting to say the least. 5 weeks of this nonsense now and still i'm not entirely recovered. perhaps this is turning into a chronic disease. this self-flagellation is quite unproductive.

and i suppose i'm still waiting for some kind of gesture. a response if you will to something entirely heartfelt. i'm distraught that all it seems to be is a burden, something that i'm subjecting her to. that i had to preface something so genuine with "it's not urgent. read when you get the time". that's all that i am left with i suppose. a tenuous link, an email address, a phone number that is no longer associated with anyone's name, but exists in the memory of my cellphone purely because we've been fighting this awkwardness.

and what ever i said about ignoring this situation, and forgetting that i subjected us to this seems so hypocritical. i half meant it i think. i just want so much to not be a burden anymore. yet, inside, i'm still aching for some kind of release. some kind of closure. the anticipation hurts the most i think. yet we are masters at this game, this dance around what is already out there, but we would prefer not to talk about.

i think i am angry at myself for being so prone to her. why can't i just say 'no'? why do i still have that false hope? it's not happening. i came so close to breaking down last night, because i felt so close to her. it felt safe for some reason, even though clearly we are in such a precarious position.

it just feels so unfair, that i am so easily displaced. i don't want to be the back up on weekends when someone else is not available. it's like being the substitute for ronaldo on the man utd bench. it feels good to play, but sir alex is never going to pick you for first team.