things that seem still are still changing

what can i hope to do except try to be patient? perhaps that's the third way in this situation. i can't have one, and i clearly can't seem to go through with the other. so what's left except for me to suffer the uncertainty and jealousy of the situation, while hoping perhaps that i will, for a lack of a better expression, be vindicated?

the problem with this solution is simply how trying it is. my moods are wild, and i get panic attacks. i can muster up so little concentration, so little energy. the pervading emotion is just frustration at my inability to merely overcome. it's been a month. surely things should be easy? perhaps they are easier, but somehow i feel as if i have merely become used to the repeated assaults.

i feel sorry for myself. i am too weak to deserve what i want. i am pathetic. in the most unbecoming way i've fallen victim to something i didn't even believe in. why feel so strongly about something that someone else so easily rationalized away? why become crippled by something someone else finds so insignificant?

too weak to fight, too stubborn to die. argh. i could perhaps soldier on knowing that there was a chance. but since it appears there is none, i can only lay here and contemplate my fate.