you can still lose even if you really try

how much more of this can i stand? i simply have no answer for that. i'm pining and i'm growing weak. it's almost as if i've totally forgotten how to really be happy. what a mess this is and what a mess i'm in. i can barely muster the energy to pity myself. another weekend gone, and here i am feeling sorry for myself again. just fucking be done with it already!

i started to write something that was merely a rehash of all the crap that's already been expressed. but i deleted all of it because what would that achieve? merely a reinforcement of the nothingness i feel. i feel like shit that's what i feel. i take so little pleasure out of life right now it hurts. i wake up every morning with that feeling of nausea, and a few times a day i seize up from panic.

i try to see how much lower i can sink, whether i am truly and honestly depressed. but i don't think i am. i'm just fucked up in the head right now. i keep pretending that i'm okay. i keep trying to be okay. but i'm not okay. i just want to go hide somewhere and work this shit out. i hate myself for letting someone who doesn't even really care do this to me. gah.

every moment i spend with her now is such sweet agony. i feel like a fucking addict. i want to be with her so badly, but i know that i can never win this fight. when she leaves it'll always be too soon, and when's she's not around the jealousy eats away at me. i'm never in control.

and i'm trying to sabotage our friendship, perhaps in the most subconscious way. i get drunk and what i feel like doing is push the point. the fact is that the one thing she was never able to handle is what i honestly feel. so i get totally wasted and tell the truth. i wish she would understand what's she's doing to me, and be just a little merciful. euthanasia is probably what we need.

this week is going to be hard. i realize now how everything we feel is relative. loneliness is most acute when you know that the person you want to be with has chosen to be with someone else, and all you can do is pretend you are okay.