holding on to facts that will never proven

i think i've come full circle in a way. i'm looping 'under the bridge' again, but this time it's joined on the playlist by john frusciante's 'song to sing when i'm lonely', which despite is title is chosen just because of its melodic quality that i find highly amenable today, and velvet revolver's 'slither', which is my psyche up song of choice at the moment. there is something telling about that playlist, about how my coping mechanisms have come into full-musical-swing, and i'm ready to take a larger step forward.

with that faded the last of that odd hangover/disgust/fear feeling that plagued me all of yesterday. talking with a new friend today helped. talking about life is always a good way of solidifying how you feel about yourself, and having lost a grip on that for a brief month and a half, i think i'm beginning to regain what i've lost.

but there is a small matter of a certain email. i feel as if it's time to write the ending, but in a typical dramatic fashion, i feel as if there are multiple endings to this story. so here, exclusively for this blog's readers, the alternative scenes for this moment in the story of my life:

option one: i do reply to the email, and i do so in the affirmative to her suggestion. it goes something like this:

"i appreciate what i take to be something of an apology regarding how the situation has turned out. an apology is at once both the one thing i want from you, and the one thing i will refuse to fully accept. the former because without wanting to, you have, for lack of a better phrase, broken my heart; the latter because a true apology implies an intention to avoid repeated trespasses in the same vein, which you cannot in good faith promise.

however, it is clear that given our academic overlaps, our paths are likely to cross and hence, awkwardness unavoidable. time will be spent together whether we want to or not, and without establishing any desire to on either of our parts, it seems things would be better if we tried to at least be cordial.

i will not lie and say i harbor no resentment. the past few weeks have been a huge emotional kick to the face which culminated on friday, and i will take time to recover from that. i am afraid to say that regardless of what happens, you are unlikely to ever regain me as the friend you knew. let this factor into your consideration. that said, i too hope that one day we will arrive at a point where we can begin to approximate the level of closeness i believe we once had. "

option two: i do reply to the email, but in the negative. it goes something like this:

"there is no hope of you ever regaining me as the friend you knew. the past few weeks have been a huge emotional kick to the face which culminated on friday, and it will take a monumental idiot to ever open himself up to greater abuse.

whether you want to or not, you have, for the lack of a better phrase, broken my heart. i cannot resent you for that decision, but in a way, i feel that you have run roughshod over much of my feelings this past few weeks. it would be foolish of me to again allow myself to be subjected to this imbalanced emotional situation i had placed myself in.

hence, even though our academic paths seem likely to cross, i feel no need whatsoever to reestablish any sort of relations with you. i wish you the best of luck in everything you set out to do, and all the happiness you deserve in your relationship with (insert name). i'm sure it will be sufficient to override any sense of loss you might feel towards our friendship."

strangely, my confusion has left me no difficulty in simultaneously believing in both options above.

option three: i send no response. our paths do indeed cross again, and we take the awkwardness as it comes.

i suppose even in this one, somewhat conciliatory email, she's managed to hurt me even more. i understand how my feelings for her has caused distress, and to be made to feel again like a burden was unnecessary. to put a time-line on the remnants of our friendship seemed harsh: i shall make no more attempts to do anything else, except wait for awkwardness to become inevitable due to academic factors, and hope that by then, you would be sufficiently calm enough to prevent excessive discomfort.

perhaps the most erroneous part of the email is how she attributes this situation to me. while i do admit that i was the one who threw in the towel, it was merely an inevitable outcome. perhaps the first thing i said upon finding out about her relationship is that i can't be her friend anymore. in deciding to remain in that relationship, she has implicitly chosen to let me go.

and as cruel and unreasonable as that sounds, it is merely a factual statement. there is no reason which states why i should be the one who relinquishes that claim. she chose to remain with this individual even though i've stated that it means she would lose me as a friend as a consequence, an outcome that is fueled by my affection for her. since it cannot be proven that her affection for him is any stronger than mine for her, no one particular claim is the weaker, and given that she chose to remain in the relationship, my only natural response is to follow through on my statement.

i'm not sure if i'm making that much sense anymore. she begins the final paragraph by saying that her email was "all (she has) to say". if that is true i'm quite disappointed. it's hard to reconcile that with her earlier statement that says that '(she does) care a lot". i feel as if only one can be true and convincing.

perhaps this should go to a vote.