come and get it lost within the city limits

i am going to have to rule out a hangover as the main cause for my malaise. i can only conclude that somehow, i have regained a bit of that maniac depression which plagued me at the start of this quarter. trying to sleep was a lost cause, cos i was getting woken up by panic attacks. it seems to take all the effort i can muster just to stay alive. breathing is heavy, movement is sluggish, and all i can feel is this odd in between of being hot and cold all at the same time.

there are a lot of fears in my life now i suppose. for one, i fear greatly that the show is going to fall apart. i'm so nervous about all the things that are left undone, but more importantly, unplanned. i now have very little faith in any conception of closeness with other people, because it seems that i have an immense capacity for causing friendships to fall apart. last night imbued in me a deep fear of this place, of how claustrophobic life here can be. somehow, it seems that my decision to take another year here has come back to bite me in the ass really hard. chicago feels like such a nightmare now.

i am not sure what to do. i know that part of this is just the nausea talking, and this nausea will subside. yet i can't help but feel like my life is falling apart in a horrific manner, as if somehow there were only a few supports keeping it up, and now that i have kicked them all out, it is going to crumble under its own weight. it's been quite sometime and i am still incapable of deriving any pleasure from life.

to finish, an open plea:
there's only so much i can do to try and be alright. and as much as part of me can honestly say that i'm happy if you're happy, there is not much in this world that's more painful for a man to watch than a girl he has fallen for kissing someone else. i can only take comfort in the fact that, having endured a significant amount of that torture, i am probably a harder person now. nonetheless, the world would be a slightly better place if things like that never happened again.