only want to teach you about you

i realize how difficult it is to translate something that i find difficult to understand into words. the problem with language is how it is purposed. language is a way of bridging experiences. clearly, the only way i can describe to anyone what i'm seeing or doing is through a language that we both have a grasp of. language tries to remove ambiguity, so that two parties will be able to come to something of a common understanding.

but in that case, the idea of putting our feelings into words is almost antithetical to what language is supposed to be. my understanding of what i feel should not be fitted to some kind of cultural construct. yes i might say that i'm feeling depressed, but that has no meaning to me at all. putting it into words does not enhance or detract from what it is that i'm going through.

hence i think i shan't do psychotherapy. i can't see how talking about to something would ever get to the heart of the matter. i could skirt around it rigorously, seeing it in all its different permutations. but i shan't be any closer to solving the root of the problem, because all i am doing is getting at the assumptions and approximations that i have given to frame things in more concrete terms.

the only value in my writing would be simply as a reminder. you store emotion into words of some coherence so that one day you might be able to recall what it all means to you, and hopefully avoid further troubles. hence this.

also, i'm somewhat amused that netflix decided to send me one of those "when did you mail this?" emails regarding my recent return of 'across the universe'. given the circumstances, i had no choice but to give a bitter laugh. if only that was a valid response...