they came with a bang but they're out with a whimper for now

i realised that i've been in the states a week. and as much as i tell myself things will be great, they are actually going to be hard. much much harder than i would care for it to be.

over the years, i guessed i've finally convinced myself that i am of some intellectual calibre. over the years, it seemed as if i had always risen to the challenge of increasingly rigorous environments and have ultimately overcome them. and till this point, i had a good feeling about things, about how i would certainly be able to overcome whatever is thrown at me. but these few days, i'm feeling that same old feeling that i'm that small fish in a big pond. i'd always thought so, but as the pond gets bigger, that feeling just seems to become more a reflection of reality.

and i am in a HUGE pond, the likes of which i've never seen. a pond i can't see the shore of. and as much as i would like to tell myself that i will continue to take it in my stride, and grow to become comfortable, i have this sinking feeling that i won't. which i guess has always accompanied my feeling of small-fishness, but i've always overcome.

also, i guess i'm trying to reconcile myself to the fact that i won't ever be able to fit in here, because fundementally, i am too different. and as much as the university would like to proclaim its focus on diversity and pluralism of culture, that is really not the case. i am beginning to understand why it is that NUS was able to outrank a number of US colleges due to diversity. singapore, as much as we would like to cynically deny, has a brand of tolerance that is unique. i know i've said that americans are more tolerant than singaporeans, but i guess what i meant is that outwardly they are. america is a melting pot, and to fit in, you would have to change a lot of what defines you. and as much as the society is accomodating to new people, the edge that comes with their form of interaction with you is the pressuring undertones for YOU to change to be like THEM. and as much as singapore is a much more racist society, even though it really shouldn't be, people do not go around with the mentality of changing others. i noticed that people of different races in america all speak with the same accented english. i'm not sure how much that has to do with being native speakers, but even the most natural speakers of the english language in singapore speak with an accent affected by their native tongue. to me, that is symptomatic of the differences between the two countries.

and i guess that's why i'm feeling a little homesick. because here people who are nice to you don't do it cos they accept you for who you are. they do so expecting you to become one of them.