it's about 11 hours till my plane takes off, about 8 hours till i leave my home. only got a little more packing to do and one final check, and i'll be off. 9 months is a pretty long time. and it's almost time to go.
life takes us a lot of places. sometimes we're hardly aware of what's happening and where we're going, and sometimes life makes it painfully clear. last minute shopping with my dad brought me many places. and as i rode around singapore on my dad's motorbike, i was totally struck by how much i've taken life for granted. and as i stand on the threshold of something altogether difference, both sides of the fence look so equally good that it's probably the worse place anyone could ever be in.
a huge part of me knows that once i step through the gate and the finality of departure hits me, i will be faced with more emotion than i can ever imagine. but another part of me knows that i will, as i have done many times before in situations similar though of much smaller magnitude than this, get it all together. lesser people have done what i am about to do, and my pride forbids me from even contemplating breaking down. but i will admit one thing: it will be difficult in the quietest moments, when what you have given up and what you have lost most enjoys lingering.
and i know that when i leave tonight, when i step out my door and eventually take off above all the blinking lights, i will be leaving one of the best places in the world for one of the most exciting. how bad can the tradeoff prossibly be? i apologise for downplaying how utterly amazing the opportunity i have been given is. it is hard to see beyond the immediate, even if the future, by all accounts, is so wonderfully bright. and right now, i don't want to go, but i know i have to, and that i was meant to.
funny how lucidity strikes you at the most hardest of moments. i was thinking back on my life and how it got me here, and i can honestly say i don't know. for perhaps the longest time i've yearned for what i am about to have, and for the longest time i have worked, whether consciously or not, at this invisible goal that i am about to reach. i am extremely happy, yet somehow the greatest sorrow tends to appear to temper the greatest joy.
and now, there are three things i would like to say. sorry, to everyone who i have hurt over the years. now is as good a time as any to look back on my mistakes, and i know that there have been many. sorry to everyone i should have loved more. sorry to everyone who i've forgotten or neglected. sorry to the people i don't give enough credit to. sorry for being selfish.
thank you: to everyone who has been with me so far. kaicheng, joel and philip, 3 people who have been with me in some capacity or another for the last 12 years. what a ride it has been. everyone in 4Q 2002, for being the best friends a bitter cynic like me can ever hope to have. the friends i've made in JC, for making the 2 years in RJ survivable. everyone in PDC 2005, for being the amazing people that you all are.
and finally goodbye: to all the good times we've had; i promise much more to come. to all the things we've said and heard; i will keep everything in my memories. to the places and faces that defined who i am; there is no other place that i would rather be. and in the end, i would like to say goodbye to myself; i will change, but i promise to always stay the same.
and as i get to this point, the awkward ending and the silence before the final words, i feel myself holding back the tears. i am not surprised. it has been amazing, which makes it so much harder to let go. i will cherish my next 9 months away, knowing that it will make me appreciate what i have just that much more.
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