are you ever gonna be quite satisfied?

it gets really sad when you realise the only person who actually care that you are leaving is you. okay, that's not exactly true. my parents are going nuts over the fact that in about 5 days, i'm going to be too far away for them to actually reach me. but apart from that, i'm feeling incredibly lonely as i spend my days alternating between idling at home, playing video games, reading random junk and revising a bit of math.

i was showering yesterday when i realised something. the only reason why i really should be feeling lousy about leaving is if i was sad for all the things i am leaving behind. because i know i am looking forward to a new life over in america, and i am definitely looking forward to the university and the challenges it represents. so the reason why i'm feeling lousy can't because i'm going there, so it must be because i'm leaving here.

but where exactly is here? singapore has been my home for the last 18 years, and will always be. i will miss the great weather (as much as we liked to complain, especially in NS), the most amazing selection of food at my fingertips, the places i've wasted so much of my time and the memories. but i will be coming back to this in less than a year. and as much as singapore is a great place, so is chicago and i'm sure that the trade-off, of being away from here, is more than worth it for a chance to be living in another great city.

and it's not really home either. i can take a lot of what makes my house a home over to america. i've already packed my entire music collection. going to decide what other of my personal items can actually fit in my suitcase. i can't bring my bed and the living room couch, but i'll get by. my mom and dad of course, but i know they will be waiting for me. and when i'm back, everything will be as i left it and it will be great.

so what is it exactly i fret leaving behind? probably other people. and i realise that i shouldn't be, because no one else is and i shouldn't waste my time. it's probably only painful if you realise that you'll be losing a lot of people, but i realise i never really had that many people to lose anyways. and as much as this is myself justifying and persuading myself to drop all the non-existent baggage i've always thought i had, it is probably true. and while that makes me slightly less uncomfortable about leaving, knowing that everything i care about and cares about me will be the way i left it, it doesn't make me any less depressed.