you closed the door on so many men who would have loved you more

again, instead of doing my proper work, i'm writing this irrelevant drivel.

i've always wondered how convincing i sound here, amidst all the grammatical horrors and embarrassing mistakes. what is my voice? i try to sound introspective, but i think i think most of it sounds very self-indulgent. there is a challenge to writing for an audience, albeit a tiny one, and trying not to sound like an absolute prick. i can't say everything i feel, and when i try to be honest, i couch things in vague metaphors and thinly-veiled fiction. but am i in this writing? would someone with little foreknowledge about who i am know me better from reading this? because i want that to be true, and i'm quite afraid that this blog has only created another persona for myself.

having just written that, i realize i had considered this idea before, a long time ago and from a significantly different starting point. i suppose the real concern i have is whether or not it is actually possible to write in a way which would turn things around by its sheer persuasiveness. i've always felt like words are all we have in our interactions with others, and words are the only way we can get what we want out of someone else. so can someone write something so eloquent, so profoundly touching or influential that it changes what another person thinks fundamentally?

it would have to be a super power i suppose, one i would like to have. there are people i want to convince right now.

in a separate, but perhaps not unrelated, note: thank you. this is directed towards someone specific, who i hope will know. but everyone else deserves my appreciation too.