just when you think you're in control, just want you think you've got a hold

so as i had expected, it hurt so much i feel like the entire core of my being has been sundered. i remember the last time i felt this way. it was a long time ago, at the airport back home, when i was the one leaving. at least that time, there was resistance.

i'm glad i wrote that note. perhaps i anticipated all along that we wouldn't actually talk. again, that sense that i wasn't welcome, that i was a part of her life that is already dead and buried, and i'm just refusing to stay down. it's a horrible pain that i know i've inflicted on someone else, but am not prepared to receive in return. i am quite unable to keep going on. this hollowed-out feeling is quite unpleasant.

i once said that being in the city makes anonymity common, which allows me to appreciate the happiness of strangers. i think i was totally wrong. there's a part of me who wants the whole world to feel like i feel, but when i'm surrounded by people who are happy with what they have and who they are with, it seems like such a selfish yearning that it makes me feel even worse.

time to rally whatever i have left and keep going. love? bloody hell.