that's when they said i lost my only friend

sometimes you try and nothing works, and you just have to give up. i would like to think i tried, but perhaps in the most passive way, the only way i could have. but it hurts so much to know that you have been deemed inferior, that you are just not good enough. it feels terrible when you can't seem to be happy for someone you care about, just because that happiness is mutually exclusive to yours. it gets so horribly lonely when you realize that you will never gain the level of closeness or importance that you wish for and am willing to give.

in return, all you get are the little scraps that get left behind, to act as a mere substitute, or perhaps even worse, a diversion. that is simply not the way to live. i'm suffering. perhaps i'm being made to pay for some horrible crime i have committed. there is not much worse than being stuck with feelings that can never be justified, the kind of feelings that can only get worse as they are strengthened by false hope.

my heart spends so much time lingering on this one thing. somehow a particular ideal has been imprinted and nothing else will do. it's convinced that it cares for, admires, finds comfort in, and perhaps, in the most untenable way, loves someone whose heart will never share those sentiments. despite all attempts, i am unable to reverse this sickness.

there was absolutely no resistance. perhaps i'm not the only one who's sick of trying. clearly, i can't be worth it. it was the right thing. why make two people unhappy, when one is quite willing to be unhappy on his own? yet i couldn't help but feel a profound sense of disappointment, a desire to simply turn what felt like such a cruel abnegation of everything i feel into the basis for overturning my affection. the bitterness of the coffee could not compare to the bitter taste in my mouth. in the end, i'm unworthy, a burden to be tossed aside.

there's really only one conclusion: friendship means fuck all compared with love. perhaps we live in a world where the latter is placed on such a high pedestal that nothing else comes close in importance.