tear it all apart until there's nothing left

there is perhaps something quite perversely appropriate about all of this. the fact that the one thing that's making me feel entirely defeated is also the one thing that seems to make me happy. the moment i was alone, i started trying to convince myself about something i thought i had been sold on. that this is a good thing and that this lasts, whereas anything else might not. somehow that argument just does not follow.

life is short and we don't really get to choose what happens. if you think you have something good, and you think you know how to make things better, you just have to go for it because there is absolutely no guarentee that things will stay the way they are just because you're too scared to make a move. the fact is, things are not the way they are. the tension lies just underneath a fragile surface we seem content to tread on, as if nothing has changed. having fallen through once and made hasty repairs doesn't imply that it will hold, and it doesn't imply that we will know what to do if we ever fell through again. wanting to stay afloat is not the same as actually doing it.

sometimes i wish i had that courage to just say "fuck it". accept that loneliness is a fact of life and it's not worth the pain to delude myself that i'm not in fact alone. because in the quiet moments i still feel entirely alone and there seems to be nothing i can do to make things better. the vaguaries of other people's decisions will devestate me time and again, and the only way to avoid them is to avoid people altogether. but it's so hard to say something knowing it will take away one of the chief sources of joy, however fleeting, in your life. is there a worse addiction than the one i seem to have?

it's upsetting to know that after all this time, i've just been stuck in one place. and i've tried so hard to get moving, but that didn't work out, and all i'm left with is the realization that i've been staying still this entire time. times like these you just want to give up on yourself.