nevermind what's done is done; always was the lucky one.

and now that finals are pretty much over (okay i actually have this thing due in like 11 hours, but it's not really that big of a deal), i realize that they weren't enough to make me feel any better about myself. at least this time, i managed to get myself going enough to get my work done. not done well mind you, just done. i'm heading for academic disaster, but it's not even that relevant.

the thing is that i'm still profoundly depressed, which is quite horrible. there are so few things that make me happy, and those things are all few and far between, and highly contingent. i'm reverting back to old habits and old feelings from just before this calender year started, and realizing how i'm no longer entitled to them, and that it's not alright to want what i want. it's these conflicts that seem to be confined to my head that makes things so hard to cope with.

last night, when i was driving around hyde park, helping someone run an errand, i had such a horrible panic attack. luckily i had enough clarity to keep control of the wheel, but what i really wanted to do was just floor the pedal and get far far away from myself. i realized that i couldn't, and just tried to breathe. and i felt so helpless, even though in a way, i had 2 people's lives (including my own) in my hands. what an odd feeling, since i've never had a panic attack while driving before.

okay, that was quite an irrelevant aside. what i really meant to say was, i'm not feeling too good about myself now, and my inability to make myself alright. falling apart really really hurts. it's almost as if i can't imagine feeling happy ever again, not truly. the best part, and perhaps also the worst part, is knowing that i've felt that before, and had been happy after that, but also realized how difficult it was to get there, and how much luck and help it involved. and i'm thinking about the people in my life right now, and how nothing seems quite right. help is coming from unexpected places, but also not the way i imagined they would be.

i looked back at some of the stuff i had written just before/right after getting here my first year, and realized how stupid i sounded. if nothing else, the past 3 years have given me a much greater realization of how complex life really is, and you don't much mileage out of trying to make it more understandable or less difficult. it hurts, and you take it, and you just keep trying not to let it drown you. i'm sure it's not that horrible most of the time, and indeed, for a while it really wasn't. but now it really really is and i'm just totally defeated.

i've been listening to the two songs i have on my computer called 'still'. one is a foo fighters song, the other is ben folds. it's not hard to imagine how they are both about how things tend to change, despite the fact that it would have been nice if they stayed the same. that's one way of looking at it i suppose. but the same is now horrible, and the only changes that i imagine could make things better are not going to happen. so what do i wish for exactly then?