having always had a soft spot for the STP song "bipolar bear", it's taken me long enough to fully understand its meaning.
according to wikipedia, scott weiland himself is bipolar, though unlike his lyrical persona, he isn't dependent on pills. at least not the kind that helps with the disorder directly. i can only assume that cocaine does the job for him. a theme that's pretty common in his songs is just how he can't help hurting himself or those around him, which simply feeds a spiral of mental instability. you've really gotta be a rock star to turn that into some kind of advantage. on the other hand, regular people less able to capitalize.
that wasn't my point really. i realized tonight how quickly emotions become abstracted. perhaps it's a quirk of memory formation that similar feelings tend to get lumped together despite having very diverse triggers. all of tonight, while i was tutoring at harper, i fought panic attacks from realizing how i've gotten used to having someone to come home to and there would be no one waiting tonight, or any other night. strangely, these feelings were no different from the panic i would get when i realized i had forgotten something extremely important and i had to wait for the inevitable moment of its revelation to everyone else.
how could i possibly say that one feeling was worse than the other? hence, can i honestly say i know exactly why i'm feeling as lonely and as helpless as i am now? if it's all chemical reactions in the head, surely nothing is real.
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