i am barely living now. drinking with friends last night barely put a dent in the mess that is my current depressed state. i got home at 1.15, heated up some food, ate and just almost threw up, not because i was drunk, but simply because my body seems to have gotten used to the idea of not eating. i ended up falling asleep while watching something, i don't even really know what, on my computer, waking up again at 3, and then sleeping for real.
i woke up at 10.30 this morning feeling like absolute shit. a quarter of a dish of pasta still on my desk, a half drunk bottle of soda, and a grimy feeling in my mouth. i just want to crawl into some kind of hole right now, wait for whatever this is to pass, and how i outlast it. on the bright side, getting drunk = getting to sleep. i shall keep that in mind for the coming days.
all i can hope to do now is to not neglect the others who are counting on me. i shall distract myself as much as possible so that i don't keep falling back into this nonsense. i guess the thing that hurts most is my inability to be the bigger man. to simply say to myself: let it go.
i shan't reevaluate this situation favorably in the future. i've lost so much and gained nothing. i am left in a horrible place, feeling something i've been told i can't feel. and as much as i said that i can't, i'm still trying to pretend to be the person i'm not. this situation will only reflect on my personal failings as a human being.
sci-fi has this horrible inclination to pass judgment on why robots are inferior to humans: they lack emotion. i wish i were a robot now. for the lack of a better word, emotions suck, especially when they are horribly misplaced.
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