tell me that i won't feel a thing

so i failed again. oh god i'm pretty sure men have had greater success kicking cocaine. where is my willpower when i need it? oh goodness who am i kidding? i have no willpower at all. and alcohol most certainly doesn't help.

and in the spirit of honesty: i am being entirely ridiculous. nothing i have said will convince her that things will work out. i mean, come on, i'm crazy. i've essentially doomed whatever it could be to failure. i was belligerent in an inappropriate way. i made inappropriate comments. i put pressure on her when i shouldn't have. i was overly forceful. i said things i perhaps didn't mean. goodness it's all going pear-shaped. gah i am so ineloquent when i need to be.

and i honestly feel really bad. because here is someone i think i really like, and i've gone and screwed everything up. why didn't i learn to be content? why can't i just pretend things are okay? it's just deep acting right? call up memories that will make me be okay with this. urgh. why is my repertoire so limited where i need it?

worst of all, after all is said and done, all i felt like doing was to tell her that everything will be okay. because i think somehow i hurt her, and that was the furthest thing from my mind. life is full of such horrible things, but here i am doing my fucking best to throw something not horrible away. i can't be feeling like that now. she has someone else, and who am i but just another idiot who thinks he knows what he's feeling. what's this ridiculous desire to protect her? what's this ridiculous idea that i can make her happy? clearly, this situation shows that what i want to do is frequently at a disjoint with what i end up doing.

all i managed to do was burden her. i'm such an asshole sometimes. come on, be a bigger man and walk away. why can't i fucking do that? what is wrong with me? i've never wished for amnesia, but i think here's where i start. maybe that stupid procedure they have in 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'. that might work. come on, in a year and a half i'll be gone. what am i doing trying to chase something that is at best transient? why this ridiculous belief that somehow i have what it takes to make this work? that i have what it takes to make us both happy? it's no more precious if it's brief, it only leads to quicker failure. fucking discontent.

what i quoted was right. the world is screwed up because people feel things they shouldn't be feeling. i want to stop feeling, but after tonight, it seems to be getting so much worse.

addendum: i realize that one additional problem i have coming to terms with this whole business is just how much i think that my feelings are genuine. it's hard to come to terms with the fact that i can't be feeling what i'm feeling, when i believe so strongly that people have gotten away with feeling much less. what the fuck is wrong with me?