why don't you hear me when i'm calling out to you?

to be able to think abstractly about one's loss is a good sign that one is getting better. having spent a week essentially in a daze, i'm pretty sure that i'm back. food is easier to keep down now, and sleep is not difficult as long as i tire myself out before i try. music is becoming enjoyable again, not simply as a coping mechanism, and things i have started writing while in my deepest depression are being neglected.

that is not to say that i have fully integrated what happened into my psyche. i'm still behind on things, which will take a while to recover. i need to start working harder, cos there are so many people counting on me to.

the problem really is that i still haven't moved on from this situation. somehow, parts of me still find things hard to comprehend. the fact that i could be so wrong about something. the fact that i feel unsatisfied with what i got. the fact that somehow, at the very point where i need it to be convincing, simply telling myself to 'suck it up' didn't work. i am disappointed with myself, but i'm also disappointed by how the world tends to mess with us.

i have to reevaluate things i suppose. you don't really realize how strongly you feel about something until you come to the verge of losing it, and then when you do lose it, it hits you so hard you're left literally winded for days. and i'm still surprised by how strongly i felt about it. and to feel as if it is wrong for me to feel what i feel is such a detriment to my getting back on my feet. i need to rethink what is important, and what i can afford to invest my emotions in.

but i'm thinking very rationally now. i think doing Doc today helped. going in, getting a show going, and just being able to do that well. i've always said how Doc is one of those things i do in the university that keeps me sane, and here it is doing exactly that. somehow, when what you have to do is something that you can so easily cope with, but nevertheless important in a small way, life is the most satisfying.

i am not happy. but hey, what else is new?