谁能凭爱意要富士山私有?

as a coping mechanism, thinking about your life in an abstract way only goes so far. today, i spoke about what happened in a very abstract way to someone else, and all i achieved was a half-hearted conclusion regarding something equally abstract, and hence removed from the reality of the matter.

it went along the lines of how this single event merely triggered much more deep seated doubts. doubts about my own ability to realize my objectives and desires. doubts about whether there is anything we can do about the trajectory of life. doubts about who i am as a person and how i let myself be put in a situation where i could be thus affected.

i spoke about how i wished to return home, to a place where i am stifled by familiarity. where decisions become a non-issue because i am so comfortable with what i have. a place where i can forget the fact that my life is now almost purely determined by the choices i have made, and that there really is no one else to blame but myself.

but how much of that did i really believe? i can't say for sure. all i know is that a huge part of me understands how i'm merely at the end of another part of my life, and that fortunately, life doesn't get compartmentalized and thus i will always have a chance to change, or maybe simply to figure out, what had happened in the past. there is a part of me who wants to stay and fight for some kind of resolution, and that part is almost by definition the strongest part of my psyche.

but again this is empty rhetoric. i'm still far from 100%. i suppose at the end of the day, there just isn't a way for me to rationalize away loneliness.