and you're too busy thinking to stop

and less than 2 days after i made my decision, i've gone back against it. i'm a huge sucker for punishment sometimes.

i don't even have the analogy for it right now. the best i could think of was some kind of substance addiction thing, but i don't suppose it works very well at all. the fact is, i'm making bad choices about my own psychic health. the problem of course is that i'm not thinking in the long run. in the long run i need to get over things and move on. in the long run i need to rethink what i want. i need to rethink how to get over what i cannot have.

but in the short run, how can i deny something that, while ultimately unsatisfying, makes me happier than almost all other things in my life. that's where the addiction analogy comes in i suppose. it's so hard to refuse even if i'm trying my best to implant seeds of doubt. to tell myself how it isn't real, and it isn't what i should be doing.

why am i so easily tempted, and open myself up to a kind of loneliness that only the loss of good company can bring? i had this entire thing in my head which tells of how we are less able to bear the parting between ourselves and those we are ultimately unable to trust completely, but i don't suppose that's appropriate as well. what i mean is, in a relationship that is marked by a degree of awkwardness, it takes effort to build up the comfort again. but then if the source of awkwardness is not removed, it constantly intrudes upon that comfort, making it seem so artificial.

and when suddenly that is gone, what we have is only a dull hum, of words that might be mentally replayed mingled with the silence of the left unsaid. that's the crash i suppose. you pay for every happy moment with a hundred moments of longing for that state.

happily, i think melatonin does help. i slept 9 solid hours last night. unfortunately, the dryness of the air makes that a less attractive outcome, and i'm feeling so parched right now.