pick me up love, everyday

I think when you do get a lot of time to think for yourself, you really end up thinking stupid things that really hardly matter. Cos that's exactly the kind of things I've been thinking about these couple of days.

I think I trust people too easily some times, which is ironic cos I'm as cynical as they come. But on some level, I still want to make friends and have people I can trust, and that leaves me somewhat open to trouble.

What an odd way of putting it, cos I'm sure I know a better way of phrasing what I mean. Perhaps it's cos I'm having a lot of problems with my laptop's keyboard, which is much much too small for my hands. Well, it'll get used to it, or else I'm gonna be severely crippled typing-wise. My right hand is relegated back to one-fingered typing now, which is slowing me down like crazy and making it rather painful to type.

It’s kinda odd that I'm putting this down so far away from home. Because for some reason, this time, I feel oddly comfortable in Malacca. It's really, cliched-ly enough, a much simpler place, and somehow reminds me how un-simple my real life has become. The day after I get back, I'll be signing my contract with the PSC officially, which means that till I'm 30 years old, my life is fixed. And that still scares me to a great extent. I mean, I'm 19 years old, and as much as I'll like to say that I'm sure this is what I want, this isn't. I was reading this book that day at esplanade library, about 50 contemporary directors, and I was shocked at how much I really want to just run off to Hollywood and work my way up from the bottom, as if that is the better life. But it's much too late now to have any fantasies, and there's far too much at stake.

And back to my real point. That for the past month and a bit, I've let myself become to vulnerable. It was as if again, people's opinion of me mattered. Some one said to me that too much of his life was seeking the affirmation of others, and I think he's essentially articulating what a lot of us must know. That we seek affirmation too much when most of the time, it's our own beliefs that count. And really I've been losing sight of that. Maybe it's because I've been surrounded by so many brilliant people, whose opinions somehow matter much more than most. People I can't simply be superior to cos in many ways, they are far better people than I am. And it's hard when you are seeking a kind of belonging with these people, a kind of affirmation that you are indeed one of them and not some kind of outcast, be it socially or intellectually.

And then there are certain persons who have thrown my life into disarray. Who have somehow, whether they noticed or not, forced me to rethink, painfully, a lot of what I am and what I want out of life. A few people who have really made me feel really big and really small all at the same time (spider-man right?). People who I've so badly wanted to please but somehow cannot. People who I've desperately wanted to accept me and be a friend to, but somehow it appears things are not to be. Even typing this down makes me feel so weak and pathetic, a chink in my not very appealing armour. And I think it's worse because these persons have no idea how important I've become. And how little they value me as a person just speaks of how low I've sunk.