i will be quietly standing by, while slowly i am dying inside

i realised today what sort of friend i am to most people. and it really isn't very nice to know. no it isn't nice when you have time alone to think, especially when you are like me and forced into it. let me tell you what kind of friend i am not...

i'm not the person you would think of first when you have something nice and you want to share it. i'm not the person you'd think of if you have some extra time and want to spend it doing something you'll enjoy. i'm not the person you'd ask if you had an extra ticket to a movie or a play. i'm not the person you'll ask to go to a nice party with when you can bring guests.

i'm not the kind of person that you'll rush down in a cab for if i told you i was depressed and suicidal (not that i could tell anyone that). i'm not the kind of person whose birthday you'll commit to memory cos it's important (it's obviously not). i'm not the kind of person you'll buy presents back for on your holidays (i'll probably not even be informed). i'm not the kind of person whose quirks you'll remember (apart from merely as an odd kind of weapon against me).

i'm not the kind of person who you'll keep in mind as you plan you're schedule. i'm not the kind of person you'll make time for. i'm not the kind of person who will make you break out the umbrella. i'm not even the kind of person you'll set an alarm clock for.

so what does that make me? not very much. there is this wilco song (notice my self-loathing seems to center itself upon obscure music) that goes:

"remember to remember me, standing still in your past, holding fast like a hummingbird"

i'm that guy i suppose.

note: above post is not thinly-veiled anger directed towards anyone except perhaps myself. it is obviously not your fault but mine. somehow. and perhaps you (referring to said person who will hopefully in context understand) should consider what you think of me. and there, perhaps now in a way you know me a bit better. but somehow, all that has ever accomplished for me is to make me feel just a little more unnerved.