always throw the fight and take it lying down

i'm leaving. there. that's exactly it. in about a month's time, i will depart this sunny island i've called home for almost 19 years and journey to a place i've always imagined but never felt. and the reality is hitting me so hard that i'm finding it difficult to even begin understanding what that means.

i just got back from the airport, where various people i know just did exactly that. leave. and on the way to the airport last night, i realised that not too long from now, i'll be the one making the journey for the last time in a long while. i'll be the one checking the luggage. i'll be the one with the boarding passes. i'll be waving goodbye to whoever is crazy enough to be there and then walking through the gate. and when i do, i hope i can do it without looking back. that when i leave, i won't cry. because it is going to be so hard,

i think i'm beginning to appreciate this place so much even before i leave. my dad and i had lunch at chinatown a few days back, and i was struck by how much of singapore i've never really seen. and now i'm going to leave this country that i've sworn to serve without really understanding what it is exactly. that's one part of it, in trying to rationalise why it is exactly i feel so afraid to go all of a sudden.

there's obviously all the trouble of leaving friends and family behind, which is painful. i won't call myself extremely close to my parents, though they have been the most supportive parents i could have hoped for. i saw my friend and his mom, as they said goodbye before he headed to the gate, and i realised that soon it will be me, and wondered how i was going to take it. and more importantly, how my mom was going to take it. and it is extremely hard to imagine it being anything but painful.

and most importantly, it's really leaving behind all that is familiar, all that i have taken for granted over the years. i know it is high time i was jolted out of my comfort zone, but perhaps this bump on the road might be just a bit much to bear.

yet i know that many before me have done it, some certainly weaker than i am have succeeded before me. and as such, i know i will have the strength to finish this journey.