i sink and then i swim all night

"every song is a come back, every moment's a little bit later" - wilco's pot kettle black, one of the most weirdest but also most charming songs of all time, in my honest but very limited opinion.

i wrote the second part of that line as my quote for this photo/jigsaw/fiasco thingy on the first day of PDC. it was just random nonsense, which in my poseur mind beats out random stuff you heard in army, ridiculous cliches and/or nothing that most people wrote. but honestly, it has always been one of those lines that i've always been on the brink of understanding, one of those lines that seem to hold to me the answer to the ultimate questions of my life. sounding like a pretentious jackass again, but my fault is that i think too much. pardon me.

as much as i would like to say that being out of army has been great, it hasn't really. this morning i woke up feeling incredibly lonely. the rest of my former SPDS coursemates are probably at padang, getting ready for combined full dress rehearsal for NDP, something that i'd love to have been part of. yesterday was SAF Day Parade, which i'm confident they rose to the occasion for. i would REALLY have loved to be on the parade square yesterday. but now, my life kinda has no meaning, empty like it ultimately was back in JC. couple that with the fact that my best friends are all still serving the nation, it's really becoming unbearable. as i type this, kaicheng is just on his way out of camp, liu is stuck doing his ADA duty, joel han is in BRUNEI (like WTF? mindblowing), jayce is doing OCS "homework" and stuck at home, so on and so on. and what am i doing? random bullshit nonsense.

oh wait, i must really watch what i type cos jealous/vindictive/random assholes will alert the authorities to this and strip me of my scholarship. oh wow. i guess i'm slowly beginning to understand the implication of being a PSC scholar. people expect certain things from you, and sometimes you wonder whether you can deliver.

and before i fell asleep last night, i realised that i'd told certain things to my PDC group mates that i would really shouldn't have. am i becoming weak? or maybe i'm just tired of all this, wearing the mask and exuding this cold exterior to hide the fact that inside, there really isn't that much. go on, read. everyone who has my msn contact can now view this blog, which i consciously decided to allow. and maybe, since i'm about to really leave this old life behind, i should start telling some secrets.