blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground

it really is over. the whole entire award ceremony was really a let down. but i guess it can't have really been disappointing, cos i did expect it to be pretty bad.

the performances were apparently excellent, so all power to those involved. my video received what i can only term as muted applause, which is really expected, since it has really been seen by everyone apart from myself from day one to merely be a filler for the actors to change. and so it served its purpose, its 10 mins more than adequate for every the most clumsiest of the cast to get into their costumes.

but it was really the before and after. there are only so many photos you can help other happy people take while feeling rather miserable, and it really got to a point where i was just picking up cameras with my left hand awkwardly and shooting in their approximate directions while trying not to drop my certificate. still turned out better than most of their carefully framed and posed shots anyways, which is still shit cos camera makers have this weird idea that it is the camera and not the photographer who gets to set whether flash is turned on or off. the same reason why i hated prom i guess. and the funniest parts came after i helped them take their photos, and the owner of the camera felt guilty that he/she might have hurt my feelings cos they obviously have no intention of taking a photo with me, but owing to the fact i was conveniently nearby, had to offload their puny cameras to me so they could have themselves photographed with more interesting/attractive members of the cohort. so the insincere line: "oh i haven't taken a photo with you yet!" comes up, which is promptly forgotten once another one of the said interesting/attractve members of our cohort comes along. fantastic. i'm so looking forward to doing this all over again.

and this discontent even though there were really quite a few genuinely nice people who seemed to enjoy my presence, or pretended to expertly. my regular crew of misfits yi fan and sengteck. old friends in the form of john and tim. a few other random people who were apparently not to busy running after the cool people to give a shit about everyone else. nice people. but in the end, i can't help feeling like i was there to make up numbers. hell, they could have mailed me the certificate and no one would notice the difference. so this it it then? the pecking order established and balance in place. i'm not one to enjoy being pigeon-holed, so maybe that's why i'm so annoyed.

but in the end nothing seems to matter, apart from the scary but oddly reassuring feeling that i have no friends, and everyone around me are sometimes nothing more than ghosts drifting in and out of my very tiny circle.