did you sail across the sun?

the video is rendering as i speak/type/whatever. PDC is virtually over and so what am i left with? a dvd/vcd/30gigsrawvideo worth of memories of things i never really did. the problem with people who make films and take photographs is always the same: they spend too much time watching and waiting than actually living. so in a very tiny way, here i am, at the end of the course and nothing to show for it. am i surprised? hell no. self-destructive. that's what i am.

i just saw myself carry a kayak to the shore. was it so long ago? perhaps. and now i'm so distant from the beginning it tried to portend that it really is just an echo of a whisper (did i just channel e.m. forster?). i always came into the course thinking that the most important part, realistically speaking and away from what the PSC tries to do, was making friends, because these are the people who will stay with you for the next 10 years. 10 years. that's a very very long time. so how many friends have i made? would it be pessimistic to say zero? or maybe just realistic.

come on, i know some of you read this, or used to when i wasn't too busy editing the bloody video for you to blog. who can truly say that i am your friend? i defy you to lie. i am full of angst, but considering that i just 24 hours working on the video, no one should be surprised. and i am venting, because if i do so openly, it would be wrong. but wait, everything i do is wrong isn't it? doesn't it always appear that way.

and in the end what's the point? the people who do the video never gets the credit. because who'll remember the filler that comes before the actual show? and if the performance turns out brilliant, which, don't get me wrong, i sincerely hope will be the case, then the assumption will simply be: oh look at the poor cast and crew, who must have spent countless hours polishing up their act. who will say: wow, this video must have taken quite a bit of time. because really, video editing is easy. much like a lot of other things that are easy but simply take time and effort. acting/singing/dancing talent? that's a different thing. and yes audry is right. envy those with talent, because at the end of the day, they are the ones who will be upfront. in fact, the lesson i've learnt most from my CIP really is that hardwork sometimes count for nothing, because people don't want to see hardwork, they want your brilliant results.

i am not asking anyone to thank me. far from it. because i know, and if you touch your heart you will also know, that "thank you" must be one of the most overused and under-meant phrases in the whole of the english dictionary. there is really nothing you can give. so in the end, i am left with nothing.