when are you gonna find half of the things that you knew in your body were wrong

this is more an addendum to the very end of the previous post, as opposed to something new:

is anyone waiting for me to say something? what is that exactly? what am i supposed to say? it's anyone anticipating some kind of definitive conclusion to whatever story this is supposed to be?

here's the current conclusion: it'll be an understatement to say that i'm not a good person, but i don't think i'm a bad person either. i've had a rough 7 months and i've said and done silly things. but at the end of the day, i don't think i did anything to hurt anyone intentionally. i'm also pretty sure i tried my best to keep myself afloat. i've had my faith in my own agency entirely shattered. i don't think i trust people as much anymore. in fact, my faith in other people haven't been this shaken for years. i've learnt that just because my life had been going well doesn't mean it will keep going well. most importantly, i've learnt that i cannot fault anyone for not feeling the way i feel.

and in a more specific sense, i've had my maturity questioned repeatedly from all quarters, and i realize i really dislike that. immaturity is one of those derogatory labels that are highly imprecise, an insult that comes from a very high horse. what does it really mean? what does being mature entail that an immature person is incapable of doing? it's a very hurtful thing to hear because it questions whether i am even in the position to decide things about my own life. it's just one of many ways to say: "i think the way you see things is wrong, because my way of seeing things is better", and a particularly hurtful one. it appears to justify itself, but i've yet to hear a definition.

perhaps it is another way of blaming me for wanting someone else to do something they don't want to or cannot do, and behaving inappropriately when it does not materialize. in that case, i'm probably guilty as charged. i freely admit that i've been selfish, and that i've been going about things in ways that might be silly or inappropriate. but i don't think i'm necessarily alone.

but i also feel like i've been going up against emotional brick walls, many of which are not my own and are built by people who seem unwilling to be honest or forthcoming with me. when all you can do is guess, you can't help but read too much into everything and all your actions end up imprecise or trite.

the most painful lesson was perhaps a very obvious one: people who are close to you can hurt you the most, even without trying to. their words just sound so much more hurtful, even when they are not necessarily meant to be. they are also much harder to avoid in an emotional sense, in that their words tend to stick and cause us more discomfort over and over.

was that enough? i suppose there is one last thing i might as well get off my chest: i feel like i've been very honest in whatever i have written here in response to what i've been experiencing and i find it hard to understand how this is an invasion of anyone's privacy but my own. if i have been unclear before, i do not blame anyone for what i feel and this is not meant to sway anyone's opinion of anyone else. i did apologize, but an admission of wrongdoing was not implied. i was merely sorry that what i felt caused someone distress.

and one last morsel of truth: i don't know why i'd rather put my words here than deliver them directly to the relevant people. if i were to be particularly self-deprecating, i would say that i'm afraid of their response. that is probably partially correct. on the other hand, perhaps i just don't feel like actually talking, because it has proven highly unproductive in previous occasions.

an angry email need not be written in response to this: i'll just assume that there is one, and apologize in advance. sorry.