i want you but i want you to understand

this is me talking now. just a little status update on my attempt to straighten myself out.

lunch was strangely delightful. the simple plan i had fell through, but i was determined to have a nice lunch. 2 slices of edwardo's deep dish pizza from the divinity school cafe, one cheese and one pesto, was a good start. washing it down with a comfortable can of diet coke, i realized i had only taken 25 minutes, so i decided to take a walk.

took a left coming out of swift hall and towards cobb, past the numerous small groups that populate the quads during lunch time these days, feeling a little down that i'm alone. went between cobb and administration, across ellis ave and then into the quads infront of crerar. i suppose that's where the people eating alone hid. keeping that in mind, i went through the CIS, across 57th street and into that area between the labs. came across someone who looked familiar, and failed to really remember who she was. down the loading ramp and onto 56th street, crossing infront of ratner and next to court theatre. always my favorite part of the campus. onto greenwood, taking a right towards max p. i realized i should have a quick lunch in the near future and spend the rest of my hour in the smart museum. quick little walk and back in the reg.

still had 15 minutes left, so i decided to go see if the spinal tap book was on the shelf. it wasn't, but i found a small book about in utero, which i had been listening to at work due to pandora.com's machinations. some call it kurt cobain's suicide note, some think it's one of the most delibrate attempts to lose fans ever. to be honest, i've never listened to it once through, something i realize i should do. got about a quarter of the way in before i went back to work.

the moral of the story? i think i'm getting better at controlling my emotions while i'm alone. in an hour i fought through a whole bunch of different impulses and emotions, but it was alright. i'm not happy, but no one else should care and so it's up to me?

that's the thing about feelings. you have your own and no one else needs to care. and if they end up gutting you, then it's really up to you to pick up your own damn pieces. after all, it's your own damn fault for being inadequate.