no, don't believe anyone most of all don't believe me

there is, and will always be, a gap between what we decide to do and how it affects someone else. it's the fundamental gap that messes up all things. it's the reason why the world doesn't quite come into a smooth equilibrium, and why misunderstanding arises. once our intentions have been translated into actions, they no longer belong exclusively to ourselves, but to everyone affected.

so once something is said, we no longer have the right to take it back. once something is done, it cannot be undone. you just have to live by it. we always just have to live by it. and having said and done some stupid things in the past year, i've spent a lot of time reconciling myself to the fact that my intentions do not translate in anyway into another person's opinion of me.

and this brings me to a new belief about what friendship is. i think friendship happens when two people are able to read each other's actions well; when the gap between intentions and actions are sufficiently close. there are a lot of things that might help to close the gap. habit and familiarity help a lot, as do shared backgrounds. a common vocabulary does a lot to help avoid problems of interpretation.

but such things are hard to maintain sometimes. and when the gaps start to widen, they tend to keep widening. concern is misread as apathy, care is taken for disregard, and love becomes hate. this here is another one of those things that go wrong without anyone necessarily intending it to, and once it starts to go wrong, it's so much easier to just let things fall apart.