and feel, feel what it's like to be new

today, i realised that maybe i'm just not good enough to do econ in chicago. that things are going to get much harder than i can handle. that there will be people much more brilliant than i am who will condemn me to mediocrity. maybe it's the horrible weather. maybe it's cos i'm tired. maybe it's true. but whatever the case, i'm now filled with a horrible inadequecy that is not subsiding. it's a tightness in my chest, a kind of panic that comes with not being able to scream, but really really wanting to.