are they bleeding all your colours into one?

so after all, what we learn is that the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. well, they weren't exactly the best laid plans, and in fact, it was little more than a hope and an odd naivete on our part. and at the end i realise that it really wasn't the disappointment in the situation, but the fear that we are all just too different and selfish for any kind of arrangement to have worked out.

i think i realised very early on that we weren't going to come to any decision. the smart thing would have been to insist on just leaving, leaving once it came out that not everyone is ready to sacrifice a little here and there. i mean, the intention behind that one statement was pretty obvious, and telling me not to actually make it clear to everyone is kind of redundant isn't it? and my point wasn't to make anyone upset, but to honestly tell everyone that we should leave and reevaluate before we do anything stupid.

and i seriously don't get what's so ridiculous about being able to actually see what i'll be paying for. why am i being the unreasonable one just because i actually give a shit about what 600 dollars a month is actually getting me? but obviously i am because everyone else has their own priorities and the best way to get their way is to make sure i don't get mine. i don't blame anyone for it, because that's smart. and in the end, i won't get what i want, but did anyone get what they want? now we have no security, no peace of mind. we are facing a huge logistical nightmare, more so than anyone else would really want to think about because everyone thinks they took the path of least resistance and that path cannot have any bumps. we conceded damn near everything, and now things are almost conclusively out of our hands. i fucking hate that. if there is one thing i hate, it's not being in control of my own life, or where i'm going. and now i'm forced to do it. that's me being childish for you apparently.

but honestly, right now it doesn't matter what happens. even if the situation turned out well, it's so fucking obvious that the arrangement itself is messed up. there are so many more decisions to be made and it's patently obvious that in the end, we're going to make stupid decisions. and besides making me depressed, this is scaring me a lot.

not all bad things today though. i know you'll read this. thank you. right now, thinking about you makes me very happy. and i love that feeling.