let's go another round. i will follow you down and out

so the general gloom of the past week (it's been almost a week exactly) has turned into another full blown identity crisis. i was going to spew all of this last night, but somehow i just tried to hide under the mound of other experiences i've just been trying to have in order to avoid the emptiness of sitting in my room at 2am listening to music that is causing me nothing but grief. but here i am again. as a totally random aside, having one and a half hour long naps (where you drift in and out of consciousness) in the afternoon is no good for your sleep cycle. which is already screwed up already.

but onwords. been read a large chunk of "a long way down" today, which is still very nice and interesting. but point of it is, somewhere along the line, one of the narrators (it's one of those books) defined someone who wanted to die as some who "feels angry and full of life and desperate and bored and exhausted, all at the same time; he wants to fight everyone, and he wants to curl up in a ball and hide in a cupboard somewhere. He wants to say sorry to everyone, and he wants everyone to know just how badly they've all let him down." and all i could think about when i read that was how much it seemed to describe me. but i don't really think that i want to die. i mean, i do feel like i want to at least once a day, but i've just set it down to a side effect of my many panic attacks that seem to be coming slightly more often now, like i'm getting nervous about something.

that's not the main thing also really. i mean, i've always had these panic things, and i've always felt kind of depressed in that "i think living is crap" kind of way, which doesn't at all detract from the fact that i want to live as long as i can just because there are so many responsibilities to fulfill and so many more experiences left that i want to partake in. actually, i'm not even sure where all that depression came from, cos right now i'm kind of more angry than anything else. i mean, the fact that i am having kind of an identity crisis means that i still want some kind of identity right? which can't be too bad.

but it is of course. i've decided (perhaps today, or maybe a long time ago) that i'm someone who will never be anyone's friend. well, that's not really true either. i have plenty of great friends. people who have been with me too long to care about what i can or cannot do for them. people who are reading this right now and know who they are. but the point is that to the vast majority of people who i associate with, i will always be some kind of tool. people rely on me to get things done, and once stuff is done, i am superfluous for all other purposes. that's really it. people are "friends" with me because of many random things: excess meal points at the dining halls, skills in random things other people would rather not do (i can name so many things), help with homework.... etc.

none of this is really new to me. shamefully, i see a lot of my acquaintances as people i might be able to use. but i would never pretend to be someone's friend. never. because it hurts so much when you find out you really are not, and that everything in the relationship has been for some kind of motive. and right now, that's what i feel. almost everyone i've met this year is giving me this vibe right now, like they wouldn't mind if i just disappeared because i've outlived my usefulness. everyone has their own lives and their real friends so "fuck off!" to me. right now i'm torn between the desire to be proven right, and the need for someone to tell me it's just not true.

i guess a lot of it is my fault. i'm never really myself. it's like when i'm around people, this switch in me gets turned on so that i can be funny or insightful or whatever the hell people want me to be. just because i'm so scared that at any moment, i will be asked to just fuck off because deep inside i suspect all along that no one wants me around. there is something psychologically wrong with all this i'm sure, but i'm not paying anyone money to tell me i'm paranoid. and paranoia is good to some degree isn't it?

i don't remember my point anymore, which is so often the case. it's nice then, because for half of the night i was on the verge of exploding. people like to make demands of me and i'm very often stupid enough to accept them, knowing that these people are not at all concerned about me. and i have absolutely no response to that.

actually i do: fuck the beauty world dvd. fire escape did a fucking crappy job, so sue them or something and get our goddamn money back. why the fuck did i even agree to clean up that mess is already a mystery to me, so don't make me do anymore work. it's not as if the product will be good no matter what, because they chose the most crap camera angle they could possibly choose okay?

fuck stupid EC and the absolut party. EC is such a mess right now, and i'm just so fucking glad i got out of it. and what's with the whole: "eh you're good at writing letters to people right? go look for sponsorship lah" bullshit. i mean yes, i played along and so it's my fault too, but my initial response was obviously not enough to show you that i DON'T FUCKING WANT TO DO THAT CRAP?! and it's not as if i mind the work, it's more like i mind the fact that the whole thing is kind of a laugh to everyone too.

the fact that the last 2 paragraphs didn't make me feel any better at all really just proves that there's something else wrong with me. i don't even know what. maybe all i need is to know that people around me do give a shit. it's hard knowing that if i died right now, it might be a week before anyone notices and maybe another week before anyone gives a crap. meanwhile, people will be hound my email for stuff that i promised them or was cajoled into doing. i don't want my life to be like this, an endless series of acquaintances tied by obligations. i've tried to say this one thing and i've deleted the sentence i wrote 3 times. but in essence, i need some people to be my real friends right now.