as you see, there's no one around

i've been trying to start writing something here for the past week, but even now, as i'm writing this, i feel uneasy. for one, i'm not sure anything i have to say isn't just a tired rehash of what i've already said before. nothing's really changed, even though i'm working on it.

i was told this week to start questioning my beliefs, the assumption being that unrealistic beliefs might be causing the negative emotions i've been feeling. it made a lot of sense at first, but somehow i've become less convinced. am i not unhappy because my beliefs were challenged? is this a strategy that will involve things getting much worst before they get better?

fundementally, i feel as if my woes originated in the undermining of my belief in human closeness. seeing how insufficient and fleeting it actually is have caused me to regress as an individual. it's almost as if we're all heavenly bodies, our irregular orbits becoming interwined by some wobble of gravity, but in the end not meant to last. the result: some kind of violent rupture that throws us into another doomed liaison. it's back to what i've been saying about the comfort zone. you step out of it in an attempt to draw closer to someone else, but really you should just stick to the solar system you're meant to be in. it's the natural order of things.

that brings us to the second reason i'm feeling uneasy about writing this. i almost feel as if people who read this are the least entitled to know about what i'm feeling. if you wanted to know how i'm doing, why not just talk to me? and if you feel like you can't, doesn't that say something about who i am to you, and whether or not you should even bother reading in the first place?