well the sun's done gone don't have me no light

despite the fact that i have to wake up early tomorrow, i felt, for the first time in weeks, compiled to write. there was a concrete reason: somehow i wanted to be heard. but like it's frequently the case with me, the moment i put fingers onto keyboard to start, that purpose just somehow drained away.

there is something very hollow about this process. taking german these past few weeks have given me a new appreciate for language, and how much i take english for granted. there are so many nuances and subtleties, so many ways of misunderstanding and second-guessing. the fundamental problem that we humans have in our interaction must be language. we need language to mediate what we feel, and i think we try too hard to fit our emotions into the confines of what we know how to say.

i still feel that there is something very useful about putting what i feel into words. words are our best way of rationalizing things. it's our only way of comparing across our experiences. therein lies the power of language i suppose: people don't vary so much in the intensity of their emotions, but in their ability to communicate them.

why this concern with language? actually i think i've been slipping away from my point, assuming i had one in the first place. i think it goes something like this: i've become much more aware of my emotions these days. everything feels so much less arbitrary. i stop myself before i over-think, and i prevent myself from being too judgemental or from second-guessing too much. there is something extremely liberating about not having to be subordinate to the whims of your own mood, but to be able to rationalize them, and to rise above them.

i'm much more relaxed these days. the stress seems to push me in just the right way, and i feel less guilty about taking the time to do things i enjoy. i'm eating well, getting just about enough sleep, and feeling quite alright about life. the broader concerns have retreated to their rightful place, in the recesses of my head as constant reminders of the bigger picture. i'm less nervous, and i don't panic very much.

but yet there is something missing. the loneliness is much easier to overcome, but present nevertheless. there is still the nagging suspicion that i'm pursuing a wrong course of action, and that i could be doing much better. irrational emotions still arise, and while i've become much more adept at control them, it takes effort nonetheless.

at the root of it all that question still remains: where did i make that first wrong step? i suspect my first instinct was correct. it all started slightly more than 2 years ago, a confluence of arrogance and wishful thinking, an irrational belief in the infinite opportunites that didn't quite exist. it all led to this point, me being here when i could have been somewhere else, being this person i could have chosen not to be. i've learnt not to ever count on anyone behaving in a convenient way.

it wasn't worth it, and i doubt it's going to be. i need to turn things around to vindicate my decision, or to at least mitigate some of the regret.