because i fell asleep at 11:45 last night while trying to blaze my way through another novel, i'm up at 7:30. the fact that it's my last day at work this summer is exciting. now that i've decided not to go on the trip this weekend, which honestly was quite misguided in the first place since i'm flying on tuesday, i have five whole (non-travelling) days to waste.
i've been spending the whole of summer trying to recover from the months that came before it. i woke up today feeling quite at ease, despite remembering some unpleasant dreams. i can't quite shake the feeling that all of this is some kind of trial, necessary obstacles that are in someway part of a grander plan. grander plan to do what? who knows? make me watch every movie nicholas cage has ever made (as an aside: 'leaving las vegas' is a great movie to show your children so they don't drink/become prostitutes)? go deaf from listening to music 8 hours a day? write a pathetic novel (i have 9000 words written at this point, and counting)? turn into a different person?
my fear now is what kind of person i'll become. because rather than being more sympathetic, i've become more callous. my desire to be nicer stems from not wanting to confront things that might unbalance me. i've become even less adventurous, if that's even possible. in a way, i'm becoming more like what i should not be. or so i think. it's hard to figure things out admidst all this noise.
it doesn't matter though. everyday brings me a little closer to closing this chapter. soon, it'll be june of 2009 and all of what has happened in the past 4 years will immediately start to unravel in my mind. it'll all become some kind of dream, and i won't even be sure anyone i've met existed. i've been over-using that metaphor, but it helps. bad dreams you can wake from, real life is a little less simple.
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