i've written pages upon pages trying to rid you from my bones

there is something quite embarrassing about a 21 year old man reading advice off oprah's website. and it's an entirely different level of embarrassing admitting it. but i'm sure oprah herself would say that there is nothing to be ashamed of here. so some pearls of wisdom?

i read this one piece about self-pity and how to dig yourself out of it. the past 2 weeks back home have given me some of the perspective i need, probably just by virtue of all the free time i've had for the first time in months. the truth is, when i look back now, i still think i've had a pretty rough few months, but it's so much easier to think of all that as over, which i reckon is the first step in moving forward.

to overcome the feeling of pity, the article said to disprove the things that might be getting you down, and to look beyond your own pessimistic evaluation of the situation to see the truth. so here's an attempt: despite my fear of isolation, i do actually have many people to surround myself with. truth is, even in the 2 loneliest weeks i spent in chicago, when i was alone in my apartment, i still had a short list of people who i had lunch with and met over the weekends. and the fact is, that is an unusual situation. on the average week, i usually have plenty of people to do stuff with. the fact of the matter is that i'm a demanding friend, and i second guess much more than i should. i should accept the fact that there are a good-sized group of people who enjoy my company and who's company i enjoy in return. this despite the friends who have graduated, and the people i've alienated in the unpleasantness of 2008 so far.

that felt good actually. there are a whole bunch of other things i need to work out, but i'm getting there. it's nice to think of the world as mallable to our interpretations, because i'm beginning to see happy memories of chicago already, and that makes the place infinitely better than when i left it. i'm looking forward to making new memories with people who might value them as much. given the finite capacity in my brain, i'm sure time will push out those memories that just makes things difficult.

it's so dreadfully difficult to change our minds about people and things, but what we feel is subject to interpretation when it comes to allowing it to influence our well-being, what we say or what we do. i'm trying hard to work on that part now.