i know that i am meant for this world

revelation of the day, which, happily, came during one of the most delightful evenings i've had in months: i've changed, and whether i like it or not, this is who i am now and i can't really do too much about it.

i realized that over the past 3 years, i've been so eager to get away from who i was back when i was in singapore that i've forgotten the bigger picture. call it a rush to grow up, or running away from an ideal of myself i didn't quite like, but at the end of the day, it was more the case of me getting away from someone i didn't want to be instead of trying to become someone i actually wanted to be. and now that i am taking stock, i realize i don't quite like who i am now.

there is a lot of false bravado, a lot of shaky ground that i've based my personality on. i try to be bigger than i really am, or perhaps even want to be. i pretend to fit in in places i don't even want to be in the first place, take on tasks i'm not prepared to do, and generally behave inappropriately. but increasingly, i'm coming to terms with these weaknesses and realizing how i've also managed to use them as strengths. for so many of the things i've done, i've relied upon an almost manic energy, the kind that only comes from seeing yourself as infallible, if only for a very brief period of time. and despite the fact that it sometimes comes crashing down, i wouldn't be anywhere at all without it.

now i'm coming to terms with the fact that who i've become might not be compatible with the life i've left behind here. and taking the steps to draw that link, to bridge who i was to who i am, has really become the point of this entire holiday. this is the permanent thing, this life here. sorting this out will make whatever mess i've left in chicago seem so much more trivial. and even if nothing changes about what i feel, even if i go back to chicago and fall back into the same groove, just knowing that i'm that much closer to be who i need to be when i do come home will make time pass that much easier.

in the meantime, there are still a lot to be happy about. now if only that didn't sound so much like a reminder to myself...