here's a sad song that i wrote for no one

(at this point i realised a symmetry between the number of months and the number of hours in a day. when did that come about? which was 12 first?)

a few days short of 8 months. that's how long we lasted. which roughly translates to about 240 days, give or take a couple. and right now all i feel is totally numb. like this sort of emptiness that comes when water gets drawn back from the coast before an impending tsunami. except i have no idea whether that tsunami will ever come. (that's pretty odd imagery huh?) i've never felt very strongly about anything. so i suppose emptiness is the worst. the absolute worst.

interestingly, mrt stations are kind of boring. someone should really make them a bit more entertaining. i waited for an hour there. and it didn't hurt that much that she made me wait for that long until i found out why: that in the meantime, knowing i was totally panicked waiting for her to show up, she went off to buy a birthday present for a friend of hers. it was probably something she had to do out of responsibility, but all i can think about is that birthday present last year that she still "owes" me (which incidentally would be, or rather would have been, the first birthday present someone outside of my immediate family has given me) but never ever felt obliged to get. i suppose that kind of made it clear to me where we stood.

(at THIS point, i realise that the song "my favorite music" by clem snide has looped 5 times on winamp. surprise surprise, the title of this post comes from that post. i've since rectified it by adding a lot of other sad songs.)

and it's not really so much that i'm now feeling very alone, but that i feel as if there is really nothing in life that is worth anything. nothing at all. at a point in my life when i'm already feeling that everything else is banal, this just simply tells me that i've been on the right track all along: that life isn't actually worth living and the reason we're all alive is 1) that we simply are and 2) that once we are born we are obliged to complete a certain number of duties. and indeed, those obligations are the only thing keeping me alive. oh to be able to cast them away and simply choose not to live! that's the solution to the human condition. to free ourselves from the endless cycle of life and death.

but i'm getting ahead of myself. after all, everything here is prompted by a common occurance which doesn't warrant or necessarily produces philosophical ideas. this sinking feeling, this depression that i've never been able to get over and probably never will. it's all part of what i have to carry with me through life. a part that we all do.

i guess in the end my mom's initial assessment was right. why would someone as great as she is be in love with me? why would anyone for that matter? i'm just a bitter cynical guy with too much on his mind and too little in his heart. time to go back to being that person again and stop pretending to be someone else.