i think at some point in time, we all lose the part of ourselves that believe that we can turn our lives around and correct all the mistakes of our past. i've reached that point and passed it, so now it's time to just keep going forward and letting my mistakes catch up. hopefully if i plow ahead fast enough they never will, or i won't live to let them.
and i think i've decided that i'll always be between places. well, between not like a mix of 2 things, but kind of like jumping from one to the other so quickly it seems like i'm at both places at once, but i obviously can't be. like right now i'm between being extremely happy and extremely depressed. between excited and bored. between alive and tired.
actually what does it matter what i know about myself? it seems i just drift through life somehow. i meet people, and i leave, and people forget. that's what life feels like. it's hard to make memories of things that you can't even be sure really happened, and how are you ever sure when you seem to be the only one who remembers? i'm beginning to think that nothing happens if no one remembers it, and if someone is always forgotten, then he can never amount to anything at all.
i'm glad we have little scraps to keep us alive. like our official records, scholarship contracts, email addresses and phone numbers. photographs and videos. other people. sometimes i can't help but feel as if it's all a dream and if i just woke up, the nothing would have mattered.
it's really late. time to sleep. long day tomorrow.
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