but i think i'll fight to make me right for you and me

i realise that the 20th of august has passed, leaving exactly a month till i go back to chicago. i suddenly had this flash of homesickness, not for here but for my life back in the US. i think i've passed the point where i just want to be comfortable here, to feeling uncomfortable about going back and wanting to go back, while still trying to believe that i wished i could stay forever. maybe it's just all this free time i have, makes me feel as if life here is so much better. but as the days pass from one to the next without ever pausing to give any sort of significance to or reminder of what my life actually is about, i feel as if i should be back in chicago, where i can once again get a certain sense of normalcy, even if it is artificial and imagined.

now that was somewhat confusing and angsty beyond the point where i can understand/tolerate. fact of the matter is, i'm glad i'm still here for another month, because some people are already back in america, all ready for another year. i don't really want to be ready, not just yet. i want to be carefree for just a few more weeks. perhaps if i had returned a month earlier, i would be ready to go, but still the timing seems perfect to me. somehow september 20th seems right. and in these last few weeks before summer break ends, all i want is to be surrounded by people i care about, and to experience a few new things that i can take with me to say that i miss singapore for all the right reasons, and that i am looking forward to going back.

oh how quickly a year has passed. a year ago i was worried about life in chicago, about how i was going to cope, about having to leave home for so long. but i coped, and in some brief glimpses of clarity i thrived. and i realise of course that home is something we can bring with us, a feeling that we can create. in a way, i created a home for myself that i could be comfortable in, and now to think that 3 freshmen would take over the place and make it their home. it's an odd feeling. and now i get a whole new place to make my own, this time for a much longer time. i can't wait to do that, to create something that can shelter me again. money is almost no object if it can buy comfort, and we all need comfort don't we? emotionally we all do.

that last paragraph turned out extremely disjointed, but i suppose i'm feeling a little disjointed myself. time to sleep, to dream about things that i will probably forget before waking up. but i guess i just wanted to say that right now, i'm happy again, and things look like they are turning out alright.