does anybody know how the story really goes?

deep inside i'm screaming. the world is so small when it comes to so many things, but distance has no way of making love understandable.

distance has no way of making love understandable. that is a quote from wilco's "radio cure". it's funny how as you live life, things start to make more and more sense. i know exactly what this means now. emotions are hard to describe and comprehend, and no matter how stark they are focused by the distances that divide us, they remain amorphous. being 10000 miles away from the people i care about doesn't make my love for them any clearer. this has nothing to do with the intensity of emotions, but merely the clarity of it.

how much did that last paragraph make sense? not a lot i suppose. what i meant to say was that distance is not going to help make me feel any more certain about a lot of things. but i must have known that already. but neither does being nearby make any more sense. so maybe i'm still not exactly sure what the quote means, nor am i sure it means anything at all. just that for a brief moment, it rang out in my head, resonated, and i got it. and like many other revelations, it immediately began to slip away.

i am feeling the anxiety of leaving now. the past 2 weeks have felt like a dream, but now i realise that it is not waking up that is frightening, but going back to sleep. it should have been obvious to me now that chicago is more of a dream than the last 2 weeks have been. and i am so afraid of going back to sleep now, not knowing when i'll get to wake up again.

there is a huge conflict within me. part of me realises that the next time i'll be home, i would have completed a year of college. that part wants to prolong these six months as much as possible, because he knows the coming 3 and a half years might well be the last truly enjoyable years left of his life. the other part can't wait for the time to pass, so he can be home again with the people he loves.

the very fibre of my being cries out for time to stop. but life won't be life if time didn't kept moving forward, and without time nothing would have any meaning.