i'm lost on the river, dark is the night

how do i learn to be happy, when everyday something new comes up that is upsetting. that makes me just want to scream out loud and ask why must everything be so hard.

it's a new year. 2005 has been a good year i think. it was probably one of the most polarised years i've had in my life. 4 distinct phases of 3 months that were so wildly different from one another. and now that it has come to an end, i feel that no matter what i try to say in an attempt to encapsulate everything i've done would do the year no justice.

but now as i look out at 2006, there is a certain uncertainty that pervades, that i find hard to handle. if 2005 was a year where i was pushed from one place to another, then 2006 would be a year where i will have to walk on my own.

i wonder which is a better analogy. do we start the year from a point of vantage, and slowly descend into the valley below, while trying our best to remember the route we charted out when we had the chance? and as each day passes we increasingly lose the big picture and perhaps end up somewhere further from our goal then we originally envisioned?

or do we start in the valley, looking up at a mountain that we have to climb? and as we go up things that had come to pass become clearer, and when we do finally reach the summit, we can then understand what it is that we have gone through by looking back?

or maybe it's neither. maybe all we ever get to do is meander along the valley floor, not knowing when or where we are going to find some kind of clearing to take stock of what we know and what is to come? and that the only thing we know and rely on are the signs left behind by those who came before, without knowing which of them even made it out?

maybe i am getting tired of all this. this uncertainty and this struggle. that no matter which way you want to look at it, the path ahead of us is dim because most of the time, all we ever pay attention to is the road immediately ahead of us while feeling relieved by what we have passed already. the big picture is almost always missing.

somewhere within all of us is the knowledge that we will never really find happiness. maybe we think too much about all the little things that are passing us by without ever knowing what any of it actually means? maybe we just can't ever see where exactly we are going, or even realise we are on any kind of journey at all?

i can't do this anymore. just a few days ago i promised you i will try to be happy. but right now, you more than anyone is showing me that i can't be. don't blame me that you have to read this here, because you're not letting me get through to you at all. i always thought i was the selfish one, but now i'm not so sure.

it's been almost a day since i had any real food. i'm tired. i just want to fall away into nothingness and wait for someone to fish me out, or drown.