as winter break draws to a quick close, i'm wishing i didn't have to be right this time. but unfortunately i am. happiness is brief, and i'm beginning to feel like my vacation away from misery is about to come to a close.
it is precisely because i have been so very happy these past days that it is now hitting me with such a big thud for me to have to go. in about 4 days i will be packed and ready to leave. i should never have come home. how very silly of me to think that it gets easier the second time, because i've obviously made it just that much harder to go.
so i was right. when happiness ends it is just so much more miserable. maybe someone like me is never meant to be happy. i do think too much. right now i am pondering how incredibly angsty this is, and realising how honest i am being, and at the same time feeling sorry for myself. ouch. this is hurting more than i had expected.
i'm finding that i can't find the right words to describe what it is i'm feeling. maybe the confusion of it all is giving way to clarity, and clarity isn't at all conducive to joy. someone thought it would be a great idea to make rationality and happiness mutually exclusive, at least for me, so i suppose time has come to make a choice again. contradictions within contradictions? i don't know what's happening anymore.
i just need someone to tell me it's going to be alright, but i don't suppose i'm going to be getting what i want. my luck is beginning to run out.
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